The Hector Diaries
by Wicce Moon
Summary: House agrees to let Hector stay for a week and Wilson is part of the package deal.  How much of each can the other stand? Only time will tell.
1. Chapter 1

House Gets Reeled In 

House was kicked back in his lounge chair in the office pondering his latest case when Wilson peeked in the doorway. "Got a minute?" He asked, sheepishly hovering in the doorway.

House raised an eyebrow. "Why do I think this is going to require more than a minute?"

Wilson seized the opportunity and wandered in. "Oh, I don't know. Because you're my good friend and we share so many wonderful experiences together…"

"Oh, stop with the crap already. You want something? What?" House glared at his friend. If Wilson was laying it on thick already it had to be big.

"I need a favor."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not dense. Flattery always means you want something. Cut to the chase, I'm working here." House nagged. Wilson glanced around the room; no ducklings but a whiteboard full of symptoms and causes.

"You look overwhelmed." Wilson said, unimpressed.

"My brain is tired and you're starting to put it to sleep. Cut the crap and quit stalling. You're afraid to ask so I already know it's bad. You're sucking up so it's got to be really bad. You want to tell me what it is first, or tell me what's in it for me and we'll go from there?" House said, glaring at his friend.

Wilson rubbed the back of his neck and thought it over. House's eyes were glued to his every move as he sat on the edge of House's desk and gathered his thoughts for a bit. "It won't cost you a thing. I'll spring for beer, pizza…even dirty movies. I'll pay for any damages…"

"Oh no…not the dog. Not again." House was shaking his head as his cane twirled slowly. "He nearly electrocuted himself last time and we were _both_ there watching him."

"House, I'll make it worth your while. The ex will make it worth your while." Wilson pleaded.

"I can't imagine anything I want from your ex. Not sex!" House laughed. "Hey, that rhymes!" House said, quite proud of himself as the cane continued to twirl. Wilson was glaring as House continued to chuckle at his moment of poetic brilliance. The cane stopped. "Lighten up Wilson. You're boring me."

"She'll pay you." Wilson baited. The cane stopped.

"For sex?" House made a funny face.

"House!" Wilson groaned, trying not to laugh. Actually he was trying not to picture it as his eyes screwed shut. He shook his head, erasing even the remotest thought. "She'll pay you for a week…a full week."

"A full week of sex?" House wouldn't let it go. He knew he was tweaking Wilson to the max and if he was about to get talked into a week of Hector, well, House was going to make _somebody_ pay and money had little to do with it.

Wilson put his hands on his hips and stared at his snarky friend. "She has to go to a seminar for a week. Obviously she can't take Hector. You know I can't take Hector."

"Did either of you ever hear of a boarding kennel?" House made a face.

"We don't want him locked away in a cage for a week…three hots and a cot. Hector's getting old, we want him to have a homey atmosphere. I know that's pushing it for your place but you're the only one we can ask on short notice. And since you didn't do that bad the other two times…"

"I didn't do that good either." House grumbled. The cane started its slow spin again.

"I trust you wouldn't try to feed him any more Vicodin?"

"Only as a last resort!" House grumbled.

"House!"

"He eats records, canes, and has a taste for electricity. You're worried about a few pills?" House snarked.

"He's got toys, treats, and I'll get a gate. You can put him in…the kitchen or the bathroom while we're at work. And I'll stop over every night…" Wilson started the freebies list when he saw House starting to cave just a little.

House raised an eyebrow. "With beer?"

"With beer." Wilson agreed.

"And pizza, and Chinese, and Thai?" House sounded like a little kid.

"Whatever it takes." Wilson promised.

The cane stopped twirling for a bit. Wilson didn't push while his friend thought about all the perks and added a few more of his own. Free lunch all week, free coffee too. The cane started twirling again. A "Houseguest" for a week and free food and cash; they had an agreement and Wilson said he'd bring Hector over Friday night. House had a feeling he'd live to regret it, but a deal was a deal.


	2. Chapter 2

Freaky Friday 

Mom said I'm going bye-byes! Hope it's someplace where everything's tasty! Dad's here…Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! We're going for a ride? Yeah! Wow…all my stuff's going for a ride too. What's up with this?

Hector was a good boy in the car. He was always daddy's good boy in the car. Wilson talked to him most of the way there and Hector maintained till they pulled up in front of House's. Hector got excited and started jumping against the window.

Oh boy! Uncle House! He's got LOTS of tasty stuff at his place…like those little white pills, and beer. I wish mom put beer in my water bowl!

House watched his apartment transform into "a place with a dog." He laughed as Wilson made several trips back and forth from the car. "It's turning into "doggy day care" he snarked while he snacked on some pizza…and a beer.

Wilson dragged everything in starting with the gate. The gate was placed in the kitchen doorway and Wilson gave House a quick lesson in how to open it. "You press this lever and it pops loose from the door frame. When you want it back in place, position it like so and pull on the lever. Pretty simple?" Wilson asked.

House had a puzzled expression. "Did you want applause for that? A treat maybe?"

Wilson shook his head and went back to the car. House went back to his pizza. The second trip was Hector and a large canvas bag containing toys and treats and all manner of "doggie stuff" to get Hector comfortably through the week. Wilson set Hector on the other side of the gate and the bag of goodies on the couch next to House. "Make yourself familiar with all of that. One more trip." Wilson said as he went back to the car.

House peered into the bag and out the corner of his eye at Hector. Hector was standing up at the gate wagging his tail. "Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know what you want." House said, glaring at Wilson's shaggy boy. "Never mind this crap mom sent. You want pizza…and a beer!" House waved the pizza at Hector and stared wide-eyed as Hector scaled the gate and was loose in less than thirty seconds. He started toward House till he saw the open door. Hector was gone in a flash. House winced and hauled himself to his feet as he heard the commotion in the entryway. He made it to the door in time to see Hector pass Wilson and Wilson drop the last armful and take off after him.

House picked up the dog bed…and ostentatious piece of fluff for his tastes and tossed it in the living room so he could get past it. He stood in the doorway watching his friend chase after Hector. House couldn't help it. He burst into laughter. "Hey!" House called out from the doorway. "Doesn't he need a license to be road ready?" House watched the game of "catch me if you can" proceed down the sidewalk and into the middle of the street. He nearly choked on his pizza as one car slammed on its brakes when Hector ran in front of it with Wilson hot on the trail.

Daddy wants to play! Chase Hector down the street! Chase Hector IN the street! Daddy…what did you say? Uh oh. Hi Daddy! Daddy…kiss Hector! That was fun!

Hector was unceremoniously deposited in the living room as a winded Wilson glared at House. "You could have helped!"

House made a face. "You wanted me to run after him, you idiot?"

Wilson rolled his eyes and headed to the kitchen for a beer. He popped the gate loose and leaned the worthless investment against the wall. "You'd make a great traffic stop, you moron." He grumbled cracking open a beer and leaning against the refrigerator door while he caught his breath.

House and Hector exchanged glances. Hector was wagging his tail. House thought it was the right frame of mind and started twirling his cane as he leaned in the doorway. He looked at the gate and then at Wilson. "Don't give up on it yet. Maybe if we string some barbed wire and razor wire across the top? We can rebuild it…make it better than it was before." House wiggled his eyebrows.

Wilson wasn't amused. "I don't have the energy for building 'The Bionic Gate' after that. Sorry. Have to amuse yourself some other way." Wilson snapped, grabbing another beer and heading for the couch.

"Hey, this place is a mess!" House joked as Wilson sat down on the couch.

"You've been paid." Wilson said, reaching for some pizza. "I told you I was bringing some of his things."

"Some? He has more? How many possessions does the well appointed Jewish dog need these days?" House snarked, dragging the Berber fleece bed with him to the couch. He eased himself back down on the couch resting his cane against the arm. House inspected the bed, turning it over on his lap once or twice as Wilson waited for whatever pearls of wisdom his friend was about to espouse.

"What?" Wilson asked.

"It has his name on it." House said to himself. "Is that so he can tell it's his from all the other doggie beds in the house?"

"All of them have his name on them." Wilson answered. He could feel House's eyes on him. Wilson rolled his eyes in House's direction. "Yes, he has more than one!"

"Are all of them little boy blue?" House snarked.

Wilson sighed. "They match the furniture of whatever room they're in."

House had one of "those looks" on his face. "So all those nights Daddy was in the dog house, Hector still had a place to sleep? Sweet." House said, smiling at Hector.

Hector sat staring at Daddy and Uncle House.

A night out with the boys! Tasty pizza! Tasty beer when Daddy's not looking! Cool!

"**Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda, Here I am at…Uncle House's!**

The Boys Club at 221 had settled in for an evening of pizza, beer, and TV. House and Wilson stared at the TV unmoving, unblinking and unimpressed. Hector was snacking on pizza crusts. House glanced over the arm of the couch and warily glanced at Wilson. House's beer lowered stealthily and poured some more onto the freshly cleaned plate just as Wilson happened to shift positions.

"What are you doing?" Wilson asked, catching the beer's ascent to the arm of the couch.

"Watching TV." House said, trying to keep a straight face.

"House! Did you just give Hector some of your beer?

"No." Wilson glared at House as House fought to keep a straight face. "You paid for it. I gave him some of your beer." House snarked

"House! You can't give Hector beer." Wilson complained.

"Why not. He may be only eighteen in people years but in actual doggy years…"

"House…you cannot give the dog beer!

"He likes it." House argued. The two men stared at one another. A tiny but well-timed belch erupted from the floor. "See? That's considered a sign of good manners after a meal in China." House said in Hector's defense.

Both men tried not to laugh and went back to staring at the TV. A few moments later something else emerged from the same general direction. House made a sniffing noise as Wilson continued staring at the TV. A noxious gas cloud rose and spread throughout the living room.

Wilson never took his eyes from the TV. "Are there any countries where that is considered a sign of good manners?" Wilson idly commented as House leaned over the side of the couch and glared at Hector.

Hector was sniffing his behind and got up from his bed to move to breathable air as House stared at him. "I don't know. If one comes to mind I'll send him there for the rest of the week."

"You had to give him beer." Wilson argued.

"You didn't say anything about…having to call Hazmat!" House made a face as he waved his hand in front of him trying to chase the odor elsewhere.

"How much did you give him?"

"Not that much." House said, stopping to think.

"Anymore than what I just saw?" Wilson asked as he raised an eyebrow and continued staring at the TV.

"About a quarter of the bottle." House said as Wilson began to laugh. "Why?"

"Better not light a match." Was all Wilson said.

"You've done this before." House accused.

"Why do you think he pees on the rug?" Wilson snickered.

He and House stared at one another for a moment before turning to stare at the TV. Hector wandered back in and the occasional "waft of methane" gave House and Wilson something to complain and bicker about for the next several hours.

"Maybe you should take him for a walk. Let him air out if you don't think he'll asphyxiate any stray pedestrians." House suggested in between WWF and some classic war movie that was coming on in half an hour.

Wilson dressed his little boy in the matching leash and collar and wandered out into the night. House picked up the pile on the coffee table before Hector got any thoughts about raiding it later. He took a little time to snoop through the "doggy bag" that Wilson had brought as well. Along with the toys and treats and "do-do disposal bags," there was doggie moisturizer and doggie cologne. "Hmm," House thought to himself. "Deodorizer but no Gas-x." He tossed the other items back in the bag.

It was taking a while and House was curious. He stepped out onto the street and saw Wilson heading back with Hector. Well, he'd been heading back. There was a young woman who was obviously a dog lover who'd struck up a conversation and was fussing over Hector. House made a face as he tried to decide who was sucking up the attention more, Wilson or Hector!

But he thought about it for a moment…so, walking a dog could attract girls. House wondered how many girls a cripple could attract letting a wanton terrorist like Hector drag him down the street. Have to give that a try when Wilson's not hovering, House mused as he sat back down on the couch.

Wilson wandered in to see House putting Hector's "luggage" on the coffee table. "See anything in there that interests you?" Wilson said.

"Well I would have had an argument about the cologne until earlier. Why does a dog need moisturizer?" House snarked, making a face at Wilson.

"Their toe pads dry out. The ex has mostly carpet but you have a lot of linoleum and sidewalks aren't the best for them either." Wilson said, idly checking Hector's feet since House brought it up. House stared at the scene and shook his head.

"The only thing missing is a doggie I pod!" House said, unable to resist. House made a face at Hector. "I have one of those! You can't have one…dogs don't listen to music." House said to Hector like a jealous older brother.

"Actually they do." Wilson contradicted. "I was going to suggest leaving the radio on for him while you were at work. It might lessen the level of destruction…"

"Lessen? Lessen!" House began to rant.

"You know what I mean. He won't do anything tonight. I'm staying here. And I'll figure out something to do about the gate before I leave tomorrow." Wilson reassured his cranky friend.

House hobbled to the refrigerator for another beer and Wilson asked for another beer as well while House was in the kitchen. "Does he have a favorite group? A favorite radio station perhaps?" House snarked as he was making his way back from the kitchen.

"I'd say something mellow would bring out his less destructive qualities." Wilson said as they settled back in on the couch. He could feel House's eyes burning a hole in the side of his head. "What?" Wilson asked, turning to stare back.

"Hermetically sealing disposal bags, cologne, moisturizer, music all day long…will you adopt me too, Jimmy?" House snarked.

Wilson turned his attention back to the TV. "House, you wouldn't understand." He sighed.

"It's a dog, you idiot." House protested.

"Not to us, he's not, you moron." Wilson said, doing his best to ignore House's whining.

A little bit later when they were both getting into the movie, House felt something brush his hand. He glanced in that direction and saw Hector's paw reach up and touch his hand several times before coming to rest there. Hector was staring at him, his mouth open resembling some sort of smile. The tail wagged a little. Hector touched his hand again as House relented and scratched him on the head for a bit till Hector was satisfied and settled back in his bed.

House went back to staring at the TV and said nothing although he could feel Wilson's eyes on him. "What?" He groused, taking a swig of beer.

"He likes you." Wilson said.

"He likes my cane and my shoes and my record collection…" House added.

"House, he likes you…Hector was saying good night." Wilson smiled, never taking his eyes from the TV.

House looked over the side of the couch at Hector. He was curled up in his bed fast asleep. "Good night, John boy." House snarked and went back to staring at the TV.

After the movie was over Wilson cleaned up while House channel surfed. The coffee table was cleared, dog food was put away in the nearly bare cupboard and Hector's "luggage" was put in a high place and well out of reach. Wilson would take care of that tomorrow. He thought about taking care of the empty cupboard problem as well. If House had some decent food to eat then Hector would have decent snack food…as long as Wilson stopped in every night to fix it. He sighed and rolled his eyes but necessities were…well…necessities. Best he stay over in the evenings anyhow, at least until these two headstrong troublemakers adjusted to being under the same roof for the long haul.

As usual, House was sound asleep and snoring mildly when Wilson wandered back into the living room. Hector was up and nudging House's hand till it unconsciously moved out of reach. Wilson picked his boy up and settled him in on the couch with "Uncle House" for the evening.

Thank you Daddy. Thank you! Thank you! Uncle House is so lonely! Hector will keep him warm for you. Hector will keep him company.

Wilson let Hector shower his nose with happy kisses before finding a blanket and tucking both of them in for the night. Hector was asleep immediately and Wilson called it a night, winning the bed for the second time. No pictures tonight, he thought, remembering the ones he'd saved on his camera and later saved to his computer.

It was a successful first night and there was a list to tackle tomorrow…starting with that gate. Time for some sleep and then time to get motivated bright and early Saturday morning. Wilson had an idea that was going to be easier said than done for at least one of them! Deal with it in the morning, Wilson thought. A fresh pot of coffee in a freshly cleaned coffee pot might just do the trick for House as well. Good night, John Boy! Wilson thought under his breath as he drifted off to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Let Sleeping Dogs Lie…Especially on Saturday Morning**

Wilson was up bright and early. House and Hector were still zoned on the couch. While they slept in, Wilson took the opportunity to peruse the cupboards one last time. It was hopeless. He made a pot of coffee while searching the fridge and decided that cold and barren wasteland was equally hopeless. He inhaled a cup of coffee, left a note next to the coffee pot saying he'd be back with breakfast and left for a bit.

Shortly after Wilson left, the first signs of life were emerging from the couch. The blanket fell to the floor and House took a few discerning whiffs of what he was sure was a freshly brewed pot of coffee. He started to get up and realized there was more dead weight than what he was used to hauling upright.

House opened his eyes and saw Hector still slumbering on his chest. "Hey." House nudged Hector in the ribs. "Time for one of us to get up." House said to no avail. He poked at Hector's ribs again and watched as Hector's upper lip started to curl. "Look sleeping beauty…" House started to move Hector and the lip curled further revealing all of Hector's aged and less than perfect teeth. This was followed by a low growl.

House snickered. Any day some hairy lump was going to keep him from fresh coffee…He attempted to pick Hector up and his hairy companion's eyes never opened as he began to snarl and snap in his sleep. House thought it was a game. Let Hector stay where he was and he was quiet. Pick Hector up a half-inch and there were teeth and funny noises. House annoyed Hector with this several more times till Hector's eyes opened on the fourth attempt and he came unglued. House batted Hector toward the back of the sofa, as Hector's teeth were about two inches from his nose.

Hector looked almost as surprised as House. House pushed himself upright and Hector tumbled the rest of the way off House's lap. He ended up upside down on the couch, righting himself and shaking off the coma he'd apparently been in. He and House stared at one another for a moment and both yawned at the same time. Hector's tail wagged a little and he sat down leaning against the back of the couch looking terribly forlorn.

"What's the matter pal? Hangover?" House asked, running his fingers through his hair and reaching down to rub his leg for a bit. Idly, his spare hand reached over and scratched Hector for a bit. "Do they have doggy aspirin for you in your bag?" House snarked as he eased himself upright and ambled toward the kitchen. He poured himself a cup of coffee and when he turned around he nearly fell over Hector.

Hector was sniffing the air and wagging his tail. House had an evil thought. If Wilson taught him to like beer maybe he taught him to like coffee too? Hector on caffeine…just in time for Wilson's return? House poured some coffee in a bowl and dumped some milk in for good measure…it smelled like it was about to go bad anyhow. He leaned against the counter enjoying some of the first cup, as Hector's morning pick me up disappeared in record time. House laughed as he topped off his cup and went for his Vicodin.

He dumped some of Hector's toys and treats on the floor on the way to the bathroom. "Here, these ought to keep you busy till Wilson comes back and takes you for a walk. Sorry, no doggy aspirin." House disappeared in the bathroom as Hector sniffed at a ball but went for a treat instead.

House was seated on the throne and reading the morning paper when he saw the bathroom door creep open. He raised the newspaper in time to see Hector sit down in front of him and stare up at him with a curious look on his face and a green ball in his mouth. "What?" House snarked as he made a face at Wilson Junior.

Hector dropped the ball in House's boxers and backed up. They stared at one another. House looked down at the green ball nestled in the center of his boxers. Hector's tail wagged a little and stopped as House made a face at him. "Thanks anyhow but I've got two of my own…and they're not green." House reached for the ball and tossed it out the door going back to the morning paper.

Hector trotted back in and deposited the ball exactly where it had been before. House finished the article he was reading amid whining and the patter of little feet tap dancing in circles in front of him. He picked up the ball and tossed it further this time, noting it was covered in dog spit…most of which was now on his hand.

When Hector returned House was ready for him this time. "Don't even think about it!" He said, waving the paper at Hector and shooing him back a foot or so till he could get up and make his escape. Back to the kitchen with Hector trotting behind him, House poured another cup and heard the heavy ball complete with an annoying bell inside hit the floor several more times. "No wonder you're an idiot. If I had to listen to that all day I'd be an idiot too." House grumbled, swatting the ball with his cane. Hector took off after the ball and brought it back as House was wandering into the living room. He swatted the ball across the living room toward the front door just as Wilson walked in with several McDonald's bags in hand.

Hector passed Wilson on the way out as he sped toward what he thought was impending freedom. He ran head first into the entry door amid frantic back peddling of all fours as Wilson and House yelled, "Hector!" in unison. They watched as he hit the door at full speed and dropped to the floor. Hector stood up, and shook it off. He sat back down at the door wagging his tail with a smile on his face and his tongue hanging out as he patiently waited.

Dad! Dad! Hurry! This idiot thinks he's the only one that has to go in the morning!

Wilson shoved the bags in House's hands and reached for the collar and leash. "I'll be back in a bit. Save some for me?" He said, disappearing out the door.

House stared at the door as it closed behind them and looked down at all the bags in his hands. "Sure pal." House said to himself. "I'll save you the bags!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Oh What a Beautiful Morning…Oh What a Beautiful Day…**

Wilson and Hector weren't gone long enough. House was still inventorying everything in the bags Wilson bought for breakfast when he heard the front door open. "Back so soon?" House said, pushing most of the wrapped goodies toward his side of the table.

"He smelled the food before we left." Wilson said.

Food? Did you say food? Smells tasty! Food! Daddy…down here! Food!

"Doesn't he have his own food?" House glared at Hector as he tried to stand on his hind legs and wilted into more of a "sit and beg" pose.

Pass me some egg, you greedy #$&! Or see what I do to your cane first chance I get.

Wilson said nothing and broke up a no frills McMuffin and started to put it in the bowl on the floor. He stopped and inspected the bowl. "You gave him coffee? Are you insane?"

House winced as he was diving into the hot food. He knew he'd forgotten something. Evidence. He glared at Hector again. "You were supposed to lick that clean, idiot! He woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I didn't think hair of the dog was a good idea."

So I was waiting for a refill! It was tasty! More food, jerk! I'm starving down here!

"Why didn't you feed him?"

"Why don't you shut up and feed and him now that you're back? Why didn't you feed him before you left?" House nagged.

"He was asleep. You were both asleep. I wasn't ready for the attitude from either of you." Wilson said, reaching in the cupboard for a can of dog food.

Daddy! No! Not that crap! I want the tasty crap on the table! Dad…Dad!

House raised an eyebrow. "So you knew he'd wake up with an attitude and you left him there…to rip my face off when I tried to wake him up." House whined while Wilson set the bowl on the floor.

"Come on boy. Daddy made breakfast." Wilson coaxed. "And what were you doing to him?" Wilson asked House as he pushed the bowl toward Hector.

"I tried to wake him up. He tried to rip my face off."

"Now you know how I feel when I try to wake you up…when anybody tries to wake you up." Wilson said as he pushed the bowl a little further. Hector backed away from it and looked at the table. Wilson sighed and gave up. He sat down and grabbed some extra food off of the pile House had hoarded in front of him. House grumbled but said nothing.

If I don't get another McMuffin somebody's going to pay…starting with you, you big jerk! Quit eating all the food.

Breakfast was over soon enough. Wilson gave a few bites to Hector and started to clean up the mess. House had made himself at home in front of the TV already. Soon enough he felt a familiar paw on his hand. He glanced at Hector. "No you're not getting the remote. Animal Planet is boring." House snarked.

"House, Hector wants some quality time." Wilson said.

"Wilson, House wants some shut up time. I said he could stay here for a week. I didn't say you could nag me for a week anymore than he could!" House grumbled.

Wilson said nothing and made a mental list as he checked the kitchen one last time and headed out. "I'll be back in a while." He said.

"You're leaving?" There was a hint of alarm in House's voice.

"You two will be just fine together till I get back." Wilson reassured House, laughing as he started out the door.

House stayed in front of the TV for a while but soon enough he was ambling through the apartment with Hector ambling along behind him. "What?" House groused at his shaggy shadow.

Dad's gone. Let's have some fun! Come on! I know you can think of something!

Hector would sit down and stare at House, wagging his tail till house started moving again. While House was making a peanut butter sandwich he watched Hector out the corner of his eye. The bottomless pit was practically drooling at him. "Is there anything you don't like to eat?" House snarked.

More tail wagging. House had an idea. He dunked his finger in the peanut butter and bent over as best he could to give Hector a healthy helping of the gooey treat.

Oh boy! Peanut butter. Tasty! Bring it on…bring it on!

He couldn't stay in that position for very long and ended up depositing most of it on the roof of Hector's mouth.

He laughed as Hector proceeded to make all sorts of odd faces trying to remove the sticky glob from the roof of his mouth. "You're going to get fat. Fat Hector. Round shaggy ball fat. Wilson will have to strap a roller skate to your belly!" House mused, laughing at Hector's continued efforts. "Swallow your tongue yet?" This was fun, House thought. He leaned against the counter thinking of other ways to torture Hector.

House made a face as something came to mind. He fished through a junk drawer until he found the object in mind. "Hector…oh Hector…look, stupid! Uncle House has got a new toy for you." House proceeded to get Hector all excited as he ambled back to the living room, with the center of Hector's attention in his hand. "Here stupid…follow the bouncing non-existent ball." House said as he flicked the laser pointer on.

Yippee! Creature from another dimension to chase…gotta get it! Gotta get it!

Hector's eyes lit up as he proceeded to chase the light across the room, in circles…and to House's delight, head first into every stationary piece of heavy furniture in the living room. House leaned against the doorway laughing uncontrollably as he banged Hector off the piano legs several times, into the wall head first and against the front door repeatedly.

"Good boy, Hector. Beat yourself sillier than you already are." House said, immersed in his version of walking the dog. The front door suddenly opened as House was beating Hector silly against it. Wilson walked in with an armload of groceries. The entry door was still open as House was waving the light back and forth. Hector passed Wilson on the way out the door…again…

"House!" Wilson yelled, dropping everything and running after Hector.

"Oops." House said, righting himself from the doorway and hobbling after his friend and the senseless animal. He parked himself against the entry doorway and chuckled.

He watched Wilson and Hector make a lap or two down the sidewalk…and into the street…around a parked car or two, grinning from ear to ear. "Good boy, stupid." House said to himself as he watched the comedy unfolding. "Give Daddy some exercise."

Daddy wants to play to! Run Daddy! Run after Hector! I'll lead the way, come on!

When House had had enough fun and thought Wilson and Hector might both be pressing their luck with oncoming traffic, he flipped the laser pointer back on and flashed it in front of Hector.

Hector's eyes lit up as he took off after the pointer…out of the street, up the sidewalk, past House and back inside with Wilson hot on his trail. "Good boy." House whispered with evil delight as Wilson came huffing up the sidewalk.

"Thanks a lot!" Wilson panted, brushing past House on the way in as he tried to catch his breath.

"I just thought of it." House said, unable to keep a straight face as he followed them in and closed the door. "Hey…get out of the groceries!" House yelled at Hector when he saw him head first in one of the bags.

Oh boy, Daddy bought me food! Real food! Good Daddy! Uh oh…I suppose you think this is yours? Daddy! Daddy! Uncle House is so funny!

House watched Hector withdraw from the bag and give him a funny look before he ran to a still huffing Wilson and pounced in his lap. "Did you give him more coffee?" Wilson accused.

"Nope." House said, sitting down on the couch beside them. "You better put those groceries away before he attacks them again. Anymore in the car?"

Yeah, yeah, more tasty food? Good idea! Good Uncle House!

Wilson stared at both of them, mouths hanging open a bit…same silly look on their faces.


	5. Chapter 5

**Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting…Get a Little Action Here!**

The cupboards were no longer bare. Wilson could only shake his head in dismay, as House seemed to be making it his personal mission to empty them as quickly as they had filled.

"House. I tried to buy enough for the week." Wilson complained as House wandered back to the couch with a bag of chips and some dip.

"Should've tried harder…shouldn't he, Hector?" House asked his shadow as he shoveled a handful of potato chips in his mouth.

And you ought to be passing some of those down here! Hey! Hey!

Hector's frustration at House ignoring him finally got the better of him. He barked at House as he propped his feet up on the coffee table.

"What?" House asked. He watched Hector do a number of gyrations before flinging himself upside down on the floor. "Hey. Wilson. Your dog's having convulsions." House announced, propping the dip on his lap and laying into it with the chips.

Wilson appeared from the kitchen and looked over the couch. "He likes chips."

"See this?" House pointed at the bag as he spoke to Hector. "It says right here…Get your own bag."

Hector remained on his back, staring at House upside down.

Pal, I'm looking about as cute as I can! Give me some chips! Come on!

Hector's front feet started peddling in the air as House stared at him. He'd picked up the remote but had yet to turn on the TV. He watched as the back legs followed suit. "Not bad. Not bad." House relented and threw him a chip. It disappeared without ceremony as if sucked into a black hole. House raised an eyebrow.

Half a bag of chips and a lot less dip later House heard Wilson announce the new gate was assembled and in place along with Hector's own bowls for food and water. The new gate was a lot taller. House stared over the back of the couch.

"It's not going to work." He said, tossing Hector another chip.

"Keep feeding him like that and it will." Wilson complained. "What do you mean it's not going to work? It's two feet taller than the last one!"

"It's not going to work." Was all House said.

Wilson's hands were on his hips. "And why not?"

"Because you're an idiot and he knows it." House said, shoveling another hand full of chips in his mouth and tossing another chip to Hector.

"Why am I an idiot?"

"He's playing you…better than I play that piano." House snarked.

Wilson shook his head and walked away. "What do you want for supper?" He asked, heading to the kitchen.

"Supper? I'm stuffed." House said, trying not to laugh. He waited a bit before hauling himself to his feet and following behind Wilson with his shadow bringing up the rear.

Several hours later supper was over and they were about to park in front of the TV for a boxing match followed by a WWF marathon. "Now that he's fed and the caffeine has worn off we'll see how well this works." Wilson said, putting the gate in place.

"It's not going to work." House said. "He'll find a way."

Dad…Dad? Where are you taking me? Hey! Oh no! Dad! You can't be serious!

They tried to watch the boxing match over the whining. House turned up the volume. A few minutes later the whine turned into a howl that went on seemingly forever. House looked out the corner of his eye at Wilson. Wilson was slumped in the corner looking miserable. "Told you." House said.

"He's still in the kitchen."

"And you feel about two inches tall. He's going to lay it on so thick…"

"He's staying in there till I'm absolutely certain." Was all Wilson said.

House nodded, never letting the remote out of his hand. When another deafening gut wrenching yowl erupted from the kitchen House turned the TV up again. They heard some scrambling from the kitchen, barely audible over the TV at this point. "Ah the pitter patter of cloven hooves." House said, glancing at Wilson. Wilson hadn't moved. "You're pathetic!" House said. Wilson turned to glare at him.

"Why am I pathetic?"

House made the saddest face he could. "Abusing that poor defenseless puppy on a Saturday night out with the boys. Banishing him to the kitchen…"

"You're the one that's pathetic, you moron. Admit it. You miss having him out here already. He's your new buddy, your new crime partner. Let's torture Wilson…make him run up and down the street."

"Like an idiot!" House teased.

"Moron." Wilson snapped.

"Dog abuser." House laid it on thick as he could.

"Limping twerp!" Wilson spat, never taking his eyes from the TV.

The yowling stopped. The tap dancing stopped. There was silence. Then House thought he heard something. Over the TV it was hard to tell. He turned the volume down several notches. Silence.

"He finally gave up." Wilson said, sounding guilty at having to show his little boy who the boss was. "Asleep at last."

House said nothing and turned the TV down to its normal volume. He still thought…

There was a whine from the kitchen, plaintive, mournful. Then another. "Oh gees." House said rolling his eyes and turning the TV back up a notch. There was another whine followed be several yelps. Something sounded different to House. Unable to make himself look at the tortured animal before, he turned around. House froze.

"What?" Wilson said still staring at the TV. "Is he sending up smoke signals?" He realized House hadn't moved and he turned to stare at his friend.

House was staring wide-eyed and unblinking at the door. Wilson caught House as he stopped wiggling his long fingers on the back of the couch as if trying to encourage Hector. Then he glanced at the door ready to chastise both of them at once.

Wilson's jaw dropped. "Hector!" He yelled, running for the kitchen door as House hobbled after him.

Hector was hanging over the top of the gate, his front feet trying desperately to find something to grab onto and his back feet straining for all they were worth. Just as Wilson reached the gate Hector fell off landing head first on the kitchen floor.

"Moron! I told you. I told you!" House nagged as Wilson struggled to get the gate down.

"Here…you pull this lever…" House mocked.

"Shut up!" Wilson yelled, stuffing the gate in House's free hand as he yanked it free of the door.

"Hector! Hector!" Wilson said, getting on his hands and knees and checking for signs of life.

"Hector! Hector! Speak to me!" House mocked as Wilson glared up at him. "I told you it was a bad idea!" House spat leaning in the doorway as Hector suddenly righted himself with a little effort. He shook it off and trotted happily into the living room. House glared at Wilson. "It didn't work…and he made a sucker out of you to boot." House groused, turning to hobble happily into the living room behind Hector.

House spent the rest of the evening with laser pointer in hand, banging Hector off the coffee table, the TV and a few other items in the living room till the WWF marathon was over. A short time later all three of them were sound asleep on the couch.

It was House who woke up first. He looked around, got his bearings and eased himself off the couch. He tossed the blanket over Wilson and Hector and shook his head as he walked past the worthless second gate. "Idiot." He laughed a short time later stretching out and turning off the bedroom lamp. "About time I get to sleep in my own bed." He smiled to himself as he drifted off to sleep. He was actually looking forward to Sunday.


	6. Chapter 6

"**Hallelujah!"**

House was the last one up on Sunday morning. He listened to Wilson in the shower, Wilson drying his hair, and Wilson in the kitchen making all sorts of noise over breakfast and coffee. House listened to a few more sounds that weren't on his Sunday hit parade and hauled himself out of bed after he couldn't take anymore.

He popped two Vicodin on the way to the bathroom and heard the pitter patter of cloven hooves dancing across the kitchen floor to greet him. "Yeah, yeah, yeah." He mumbled, hobbling into the bathroom. Hector followed him in and sat beside the john staring up at House as he took care of business. "What?" House asked. Hector wagged his tail. "Bet you wish you could do this? You wouldn't have to go outside all the time." House razzed.

I bet you wish you could go outside and pee! You wouldn't have to stand in front of that thing looking stupid all the time.

"There's breakfast and coffee." Wilson called out from the kitchen.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." House mumbled. He glanced at the beady black eyes staring up at him as he turned the hot water on in the sink. House splashed some water on his face and ran his long fingers through his hair. Most of it was going in the same direction when he was brave enough to take a look in the mirror. Good enough. Hector was still staring.

Pet me, you jerk! I came in here to say hi! Hey! Down here!

House glanced at Hector and decided to flick some water on him. Hector blinked and backed up, trying to bite at the water. House tried it again. Same response. A wet face, a wet floor, and a sneezing fit from Hector later, House wandered into the kitchen with Hector hot on his trail.

"Why is he all wet?" Wilson asked.

"'Cause he's a Wilson!" House snarked, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

He sat down at the kitchen table. Wilson and Hector were both staring at him.

"What?" House said, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"I have to go in to the hospital for a while. I shouldn't be too long." Wilson said.

"And I care because?" House made a face. He was really thinking Hallelujah!

"I'm hoping you two will be okay?" Wilson queried.

"Why wouldn't we? Is the West Highlander lurking in the 'hood with his saber drawn?" House said making a comical face at him.

Wilson shook his head. "House!"

"We've been doing just fine!" House snapped. "There doesn't seem to be a problem till you show up! You keep letting him run in the street…keep trying to kill him with hazardous gates and crappy food! You almost let him choke to death leaving those plastic bags lying on the floor yesterday." He ranted, downing his first cup and going for a second while he scoped out breakfast. Pancakes! He helped himself to those too before sitting back down at the table.

Wilson stared at him in disbelief. "Those bags full of groceries for you, you inconsiderate jerk, were lying on the floor because…" Wilson stopped when he realized House and Hector were staring at him with the same comical look on their faces.

"I knew he couldn't give me a good reason." House said to Hector as Hector wagged his tail. "Daddy's trying to kill Hector. He figures it'll be easier to do here!" Hector wagged his tail. "Kill Hector? Hector ready to die?" The tail was still wagging.

How about those pancakes you're eating? Shut up and feed me! And where's my coffee?

"House…never mind." Wilson said, throwing his hands up. "I'll be back later today. Try and be civil?" Wilson pleaded on the way out the door.

House listened to the car pull away and looked at Hector. "Hear that? The sound of silence." House announced to his shaggy audience. House finished most of the last pile of pancakes Wilson had left for him, tossing some to Hector as he left the dishes in the sink. He poured another cup of coffee and stopped for a second. House carefully poured a little in Hector's bowl and was starting for the milk when he heard Hector yelp! House gave him a look as he opened the refrigerator door.

"Hector learn a new word? Is that Hector's word for hot?" House snarked, uncapping the milk as Hector stared at his bowl. "Maybe if you singe and inch or so off of that thing it'll quit hanging out of your face all the time. Makes you look stupid." House said, pouring ample milk in the bowl and adding some to his cup before stuffing it back in the fridge.

House glanced around the room and wandered to the couch where he parked himself for the remainder of the morning. When he got up to wander to the bathroom he found several rawhide treats, the green jingle ball and what could only be a dental chew since it was shaped like a toothbrush, parked next to his cane. "What's all this?" House asked. "Hector camping out in front of the TV today too? Looks like your roughing it." House said, surveying the stockpile as he maneuvered past it and headed for the bathroom.

While he was sitting on the throne Hector deposited the toothbrush-looking item where the green jingle ball had come to rest the day before. House stared down at his feet. "Nope pal, don't need one of those either." House said. Hector trotted off and returned with the green ball. "Covered that yesterday." House reminded him.

I've had my morning coffee. Come on, dude, let's play! Ball! Ball! Play ball!

Hector picked the ball up and dropped it. He did it again…and again…and again. Every time it hit the floor with a thud the musical bells would ring until they were echoing in House's ears. He tried to take the ball from Hector and watched as he backed up and dropped the ball several more times. House pretended like he was going for the toothbrush and at the last second tried to yank the ball from Hector's teeth.

A scene from "Jaws" played itself out with Hector nearly climbing House's arm, snapping and snarling every inch of the way before House pitched the ball out the door. He heard the ball hit the wall followed by Hector doing the same. "Good boy." House mused out loud as he slammed the bathroom door shut.

Hector yelped as the door slammed shut on his nose. "Oops." House winced, hurrying to get out the door and survey the damage. As he yanked his boxers up, the well chewed and jagged toothbrush item still in his boxers announced itself in the rudest possible way.

One interrupted morning constitutional and one bloody nose later, House and Hector were parked in front of the TV side by side on the couch. Hector was in Wilson's spot and the chips were fast disappearing. "We'll have to make Daddy feel bad for leaving us alone all day so he gets us some more of these, won't we?" House said to Hector.

House finally managed to dress himself. He wandered around the apartment surveying the sink full of dirty dishes and the scavenged mess on the coffee table. Both gates were propped against a wall and there were toys and treats everywhere. The toothbrush looking item was nowhere to be seen. House smiled. "Wilson's got some cleaning to do when he gets back. This place is a mess." He said to Hector.

A half an hour or so of laser pointer aerobics later House decided to see if Wilson's "chick magnet" would work for him too. He'd been careful not to bounce Hector's nose into too many objects so it didn't look too bad and he hoped he'd tired him out enough so he wouldn't be a handful with the cane in his other hand.

"Come on spaz, let's see if you're worth taking for a walk." House said, snapping the collar around him and making sure everything was firmly attached. He also made sure he had a healthy handful of treats in his jacket pocket and the laser pointer…just in case.

House stepped out the front door with a firm grip on Hector and looked up and down the street. "Okay, boy. Let's go hunting! Here chick, chick, chick…" House said to himself laughing as they headed down the street.

**I Went to the Animal Fair…**

House made it about two blocks before the first "incident" gave him pause for thought. There was a fight. It was only an alley cat. No big deal. House wasn't used to these things being a big deal and therefore he wasn't paying attention. He rubbed his shoulder once or twice as they made it to the corner and glared at Hector as they waited for the light. "You could've dislocated my shoulder! Barbarian." House grumbled as he stepped down off the curb.

I had him! Why'd you yank me off him? I had him. If you hadn't pulled me back I wouldn't have tried to dislocate your darn shoulder, you big jerk!

By the time they made it to the park Hector's nose had stopped bleeding. House parked himself on a picnic bench and tied the leash off around one of the slats. "That ought to hold you." House said, glaring at his mischievous crime partner. They sat and watched the other folks doing what people do in parks. House would occasionally toss a treat on the ground for Hector.

This time when House tossed a treat on the ground a blue jay came out of nowhere and tried to snag the tasty morsel. The bird grabbed the treat and Hector grabbed the bird. There was a fight. There were black and blue feathers everywhere but Hector won this one. The treat was his and his nose wasn't bleeding. House was checking Hector's nose and giving him a careful once over to make sure there weren't any other telltale marks he might catch hell for later when he realized there was a shadow blocking some of his light.

He was just about to complain when he turned around to see a beautiful red haired college student smiling at him.

"I saw the fight. Is your dog okay?" She asked, kneeling down to pet the shaggy beast and giving House an excellent view down her low cut top.

"Well, I was checking him to make sure but my leg…" House pointed to the cane.

"Oh, I'll help you." She said as Hector sucked up the attention and House enjoyed the view. House was grinning from ear to ear as she inspected every square inch of Hector and he was enjoying every square inch of all that bare skin. From the low cut top to the low rise jeans that revealed a lovely tattoo on her lower back.

Her cell phone rang a minute later. She gave directions to her exact location and mentioned a nice man and his poor puppy dog. "Worried boyfriend?" House asked.

"No, the rest of my girlfriends." She explained, scratching Hector behind the ears as his back leg kept rhythm. The girl laughed uncontrollably. "He's so sweet. We like to study here on the weekends. Get some fresh air." Several minutes later House was surrounded by a group of four lovely college students, each more scantily clad than the first.

They took turns walking Hector and listened to House's sad tale of being hung with a dog he could barely walk by his evil friend Wilson. House had tried everything…extra treats, the laser pointer which he was happy to demonstrate for them, and endless hours of ball.

House and Hector were the center of attention for several hours as the girls studied and fussed over Hector. They'd made a picnic date for Sunday afternoon and even fed House and Hector. House was sucking up the attention and feminine scenery and food till it was time for them to go. Hector was almost as sorry as House as they watched the girls packing to leave.

"Judy brought her car. I bet she'd give you a lift back…so you don't have to walk so far.

House thought it over for a moment. Maybe he had been laying on the helpless routine a little thick. "I'd be happy to take you and your poor doggy home. He's got to be worn out." Judy offered.

"Oh…that's okay. He does look a little tired though. You girls spoiled him. He's not used to all those kisses and hugs." House said, looking as pathetic as possible as a round of "aws" erupted from all of them.

Everyone piled into the car and by the time they reached House's apartment he had a handful of phone numbers for walking Hector, bathing Hector, brushing Hector, and any other thing that he or Hector might need…including a same time same park bench date next Sunday if Hector was still around! House was just getting out of the car as he saw Wilson driving up the street.

"I thank you ladies. You've made my whole week." House grinned trying to make his escape.

"Well…you can call us if it gets to be too much for you here too. We could come over…and help you with anything you need." Judy offered.

"Oh no…" House made a face and pretended to mull it over for a bit. "I'll keep it in mind. Thanks." House said, timing it just right.

Wilson was stepping out of his vehicle in time to see the carload of beauties pulling away from the curb and waving and cooing good-byes.

He crossed the street and met House at the front door. "What was all that about?"

"Nothing." House grumbled, fumbling with the keys. They walked inside and House surveyed the apartment. "This place is a mess. You better pick up after your kid."

Wilson gave him a look as House made himself at home in his favorite spot on the couch and Hector jumped up in Wilson's and went to sleep.

Evening found the entire days worth of dishes soaking. The apartment was much cleaner and House had gotten a lecture on taking everything out of Hector's bag at once. Wilson had lectured and scowled and carried on the entire time he cleaned as House and Hector stayed on the couch like two grounded children.

During the evening's TV time House was occupying Hector with the laser pointer. Wilson made sure they were busy as he carefully moved the gates toward the door and carried one to his car. He had some issues getting it in the car fully assembled but finally it fit and he wandered back in.

House had decided to get another beer during the commercial. He was snacking on some leftovers that caught his eye as he leaned on the refrigerator door. He'd forgotten…and as Wilson wandered back in for the second gate Hector passed him on the way out the door…. again.

Wilson yelled. House slammed the refrigerator door and came hobbling out in time for Wilson to snatch the laser pointer from his hand and disappear outside. House watched from the doorway, laughing as the chase came to a quick end with the laser pointer.

Wilson carried his runaway pooch inside, unceremoniously dropping him on the living room floor as House closed both doors behind them.

"You were supposed to keep him distracted!" Wilson reminded House.

"I got distracted." Was all House said as he propped himself up in his favorite spot on the couch again. Hector started to steal Wilson's spot but Wilson beat him to it.

House watched out the corner of his eye. "He catches on quick doesn't he?" House snarked.

"A little too quick with the front door." Wilson sighed making himself comfortable.

"I meant you." House laughed as Hector jumped in between them for some quality time before bed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down**

Monday morning was off and running long before House. Wilson was already gone by the time House dragged his achy frame out of bed. He knew before he sat up it was raining. He could feel it in his bones. House reached for his Vicodin and downed three before even attempting to stand up. Then he heard it…there was a soft thumping behind him. He hoisted his torso around to see Hector on his bed. His tail was wagging, idly beating against the mattress.

I was beginning to think you were dead! Where's my coffee? Come on! Move it!

House lazily scratched Hector between the ears as he waited for the Vicodin to kick in. He finally hauled himself upright and wandered to the bathroom. It occurred to House, as he was finishing up that there was no green jingle ball or Hector to torment him.

House hobbled to the bedroom doorway expecting to catch Hector eating his shoes or something else of relative importance. House found Hector sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the floor. He looked at House and whined.

Hey! It's a rain day! I need some help here. I'm old remember?

"You having a bad day too?" House asked leaning in the doorway. Hector whined and barked at him once as he did a little dance at the edge of the bed.

House lifted the scraggly critter off the bed and watched as Hector ambled toward the kitchen behind him. HE wasn't moving very quick today. House pondered the situation as he poured himself some coffee and poured some in Hector's bowl. Hector waited this time till the milk was added. House grinned. "You're a lot brighter than your old man." House mused as he remembered seeing some pills in Hector's bag. It was about the same time he saw a note from Wilson on the kitchen table.

**House,**

**Hector's arthritis is acting up because of the rain. Pills are in his bag. Running late.**

**Wilson**

Hector was finishing his coffee as House was downing some more of his. "So, you've got drugs too?" House said. He dumped the bag on the table and had a pill in his hand directly. He stared at the pill and then at Hector. "I bet you don't take these dry?"

Hector sat down and looked at the fridge. His tail was wagging. House looked in the fridge and had an inspiration. Tearing off the end of a hot dog he tucked the pill inside and tossed it to Hector. It was sucked into the black hole without issue as House eyed the breakfast Wilson had tucked in the fridge for him.

Breakfast out of the way and a hot shower later, House was feeling as good as he figured he would for the day. He got dressed and kept an eye on Hector as he followed House to the kitchen for more coffee. He seemed to be moving much better now.

House made sure all of the important doors were closed and took a quick survey of his possessions. "I expect everything to be as I left it when I get back tonight." He groused at the shaggy rag mop as he dumped a can of food in his bowl. He threw down plenty of treats and a squeak toy or three. "Those are yours. Everything else in here is mine." House informed him on the way out the door.

Wilson found him soon enough. It was a slow day and House was lost in his I pod, his eyes closed, as his friend tried several times to get his attention. Wilson finally yanked on the wire and startled House.

"Can't you knock?" House groused as Wilson rolled his eyes.

"Apparently not loud enough. Did you get my note? I put Hector on your bed. I figured you'd notice he wasn't moving at his usual speed."

House was nodding through all of it. "Yes to all of the above. Caffeinated, pilled, fed, and on the sofa when I left." House grinned like he expected a pat on the head.

"I guess we'll hope for the best." Wilson said. A few seconds later his beeper went off and he was gone.

House thought about it for a moment. Always nice to have a backup plan, he thought as he fished in the pocket of the same jacket he'd been wearing at the park. House reached for his cell phone…

Wilson was wandering the halls looking for House at lunchtime. He was nowhere to be found. He tried the cell phone. No answer. It was the same with the home phone. Wilson gave up, thinking he'd gotten out of an expensive lunch. It was good to be Wilson, he thought as he headed for the cafeteria.

It was better to be House…. he'd tried one of the phone numbers and found a willing lunch date. She was happy to share some lunch and take Hector for a walk. House was his usual over charming self with the proper inspiration and since she was a pre-med student House did his absolute best…

He was charming all through lunch. He was charming on the way back. He was equally charming when she got back from walking Hector and asked her if she wanted a beer. Two beers later House hit pay dirt and succeeded in literally charming the pants off her!

Wilson was still looking for House when he got back from lunch…two hours later. "Where have you been?" He asked.

"Oh, it was a slow day. I thought I'd make sure my personal possessions were still intact. So…you buying?" House asked, heading for the cafeteria. Wilson rolled his eyes and caught up to his friend…the bottomless pit.

That evening House and Wilson were in their usual spots in front of the TV with Hector between them. Supper was over. The dishes were soaking in the sink. It was the beer hour. Several hours into it Wilson wandered into the bathroom to take a leak. As he was drying his hands something caught his eye. There was a tissue in the wastebasket with candy pink lipstick on it in the shape of a lovely set of lips.

Wilson wandered back to the sofa with a fresh beer in his hand.

"Where's mine?" House snarked before Wilson sat down.

Wilson got a second beer and handed it to House as he sat down. "Anything you want to tell me about lunch today?" Wilson asked.

"Nope." Silence. "Why?"

"Oh nothing. You sure you don't want that in a glass?" Wilson asked as House raised an eyebrow and stared at him like he was crazy. "I just thought you might be worried about messing up your lipstick." Wilson said, taking the flimsy tissue from his shirt pocket and tossing it on House's lap.

House stared at the incriminating piece of evidence and smiled. Hector sniffed at it, his tail wagging at the memory of her as well. Wilson stared at his friend as he picked up the tissue and tossed it on the coffee table. "What?" House asked as he glared at Wilson.

"That wouldn't belong to one of those young women I saw driving away yesterday when I got here, would it?" Wilson asked as he watched House take a long drink.

"No. It belongs to me." House grinned, staring at the TV. He reached over and idly scratched Hector between the ears. Good dog, House thought.

"House, what did you do for lunch today?" Wilson tried one last time.

House stretched and took another drink before glancing out the corner of his eye at Wilson. "I borrowed your chick magnet. Apparently it works a lot better in the hands of someone who knows how to use it!"

They went back to staring at the TV. House reached over and occasionally scratched Hector as he thought to himself, "And tomorrow is another day…"


	8. Chapter 8

"**Tuesday's Gone With the Wind"**

Tuesday started out quite a bit differently. House figured Wilson must still be miffed about the chick magnet issue the night before. Wilson was making all the noise House imagined was humanly possible between the bathroom and the kitchen.

House grumbled and hobbled his way to the bathroom as the heard the excited clamoring of little feet rounding the corner to greet him. Hector kept a safe distance as House splashed some water on his face and finger combed his hair into relative calm.

"No guts no glory, boy." House said, glancing at the happy face and wagging tail. "You're pathetic." House groused, reaching down to scratch Hector as he took care of the morning business.

I'm pathetic? You looked in the mirror! Speak for yourself! Let's eat! Breakfast! Tasty! Coffee! Tasty! Hurry up!

House watched Hector tap dance in circles in front of him as he searched for his tail amid the scruff and tangles. House grinned. Maybe a good brushing was in order? Or a bath? Maybe one of those girls took cosmetology or makeup or something? Hmm…

Wilson announced breakfast was ready and everyone was assembled in the kitchen in short order. Wilson eyed House suspiciously as he poured the first cup of the day. He winced and said nothing as House gave Hector his daily dose as well.

"That can't be good for him." Wilson complained.

"Can't be too bad either. He's as lively as I've ever seen him." House glanced at Hector as he inhaled his coffee…after the milk was added. "Must be the company he keeps." House gloated as Wilson glared at him. "So what's for breakfast?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Breakfast! Down here! Down here, Dad! House? Hey guys?

Wilson and House divided an enormous amount of eggs, bacon and toast. Wilson had gone for the quick fix today because of an early day at the hospital. He made plenty so the newly formed "terrible team" would have a good start to their day. As much as he wanted to cuss House, Wilson had to admit, House was right. It was only half way through the week and it had seemed to take ten years off Daddy's little boy.

"You two play well together." Wilson grinned as he ate. "Maybe I should bring him over once in a while even after the ex gets back?" He asked, baiting his scheming friend.

House said nothing for a moment as he shoveled away at his plate. "I don't want to cut in to your quality time." He said.

"House, I don't have any quality time with him. I can't have him at my place at all. If I could bring him over here on the weekends once in a while…" Wilson hinted.

House made a face and stared at his friend. "But what would we do with you?" House said and went back to stuffing his face.

Wilson stared at House. "Oh, I could cook and clean and iron your shirts while you two boys were out scoping for hot college babes in the park." Wilson teased, glaring at his friend.

"Most action he's ever seen I'd be willing to bet!" House shot back without missing a beat. He grinned from ear to ear as he watched Wilson wilt a little. "Hey…if you can't run with the big dogs then stay on the porch!" House snarked, stuffing another forkful in his mouth.

Several hours later, House sat in his comfy chair at work pondering how to go about snagging a little "afternoon delight." As if in answer to his dilemma, his cell phone beeped. There was a text message.

"H & H Need anything today?"

House grinned as he read it…H & H. It had a nice ring to it. House thought for a moment. He decided this might warrant an actual conversation and called.

"Hello, Dr. House."

"Well hello. I figured I'd worn out my welcome after yesterday." House teased.

"Oh…not at all. Do you and your little man need some more quality time today?"

Yeah…and Hector too House thought, wincing and dismissing saying that. "I'm sure we could come up with some way of entertaining 'my little man' for lunch. Maybe you could help me hold him…while I try making him presentable for his favorite girl. He's a scruffy old man too. He could use some grooming." House tried.

"Oh do I have the perfect idea! What time?" The melodic voice answered.

House nailed down the fine points figuring he could properly nail Judy a lot quicker with preliminaries out of the way. He could always try her friends on for size later…if Wilson was serious about letting him "borrow" Hector on the odd weekend. If he played his card right he could grab an early lunch with Judy, grab dessert at his place and be back at work in time for a late lunch at Wilson's expense. Surely he'd have an appetite worked up by then. Taking care of a dog was hard work!

Judy had suggested they meet at the same place in the park. House thought it odd, but what the hell. He stopped at his place, tossed Hector in the car unceremoniously and off they went. Hector hung his head out the window getting some air on the way. It wasn't an issue till House pulled in at the park. Judy was just getting there too. Hector suddenly launched out of the window when he saw her.

After they got another bloody nose under control and House's pulse back to normal, Judy introduced House to her friend Angie. Angie was pre-med too but she was a local girl and still lived at home…with her dog. While Angie and her pooch climbed out of the car, Judy grabbed several McDonald's bags. Angie grabbed the rest.

House hung back admiring the youthful behinds as they unloaded. And then Angie grabbed the leash and tugged.

"Come on, girl! You can do it." She tugged once more and an identical shaggy Westie plopped onto the ground…almost landing on her nose. "This is Bozo!" Angie smiled.

"Yes she is." House grinned as the words slipped out before he had a chance to put the mental brakes on. There was laughter all around as Hector and Bozo greeted each other with no small amount of joy. And now there were two…and they wasted no time getting to know one another.

Woman! Oh…Uncle House…you da man! Baby…you're beautiful!

"But he's been fixed." House mused, inhaling his sandwich and fries as the girls laughed uncontrollably as Hector and Bozo got to know one another by the bushes, by the tree, by the bench at House's feet and a number of other places. House could only stare in between bites as Hector was not to be outdone by his surly sitter.

Judy explained she had classes the next two days around lunchtime and Angie had none. Angie had Bozo so she had all available grooming needs and would be happy to do both of them tomorrow. She'd pick Hector up late morning and have him bright as a shiny new penny by lunch if House liked the idea.

How could he refuse such an offer? Cash wasn't an issue. Angie wanted some pointers on professors and classes and…whatever else came to mind, as all three of them watched Hector and Bozo. There was no doubt what they had in mind.

"Hector and Bozo can spend the morning together while I'm getting them all spiffy for you and we can see if he passes inspection and do lunch." Angie said.

"I don't know what to say. You girls are too kind." House said as he tried to remember how to act grateful. "And Hector will have so much…fun."

"I think both of them are having fun. And we can 'get some help with our classes' if you like what you see?" Angie asked.

"I'm sure we can come up with something." House offered. Hector and Bozo were still at it and other people were passing by laughing and pointing. "You don't suppose someone's going to complain?" House thought out loud.

"Oldest line in the book if some little kid asks the wrong question." Angie instructed. "You look them square in the eye and tell them she ran out of gas and he's trying to give her a push!"

House's milkshake almost came out his nose. "I like that." He gave Angie an evil smile.

"The other one is her battery's dead and he's giving her a jump start." More laughter. "It usually shuts the kids up and their parents are laughing so hard they can't stay mad at you." Angie shrugged.

When lunch was over Angie and Bozo left, both excited about tomorrow. Hector looked heartbroken.

Hey…tomorrow's a date! Remember my name…you'll be howling it later!

House took Judy back to his place. House did his best to be a gentleman…till they were past the front door.

Hector watched from the floor as Uncle House gave him some helpful pointers for his date tomorrow…and he made it back to the hospital in plenty of time for a late lunch with Wilson.

Later that night all three were on the couch again. Supper was over. House's apartment was cleaner than it had been in six months. House and Hector had done the laser pointer till Hector was winded and Wilson was listening to House complain about his wrist starting to hurt from all of the laser tag this week.

"Well it could always be worse." Wilson sighed, glaring at his friend.

"What makes you say that?" House made a face.

"You could be complaining about your wrist being sore from something else." Wilson raised an eyebrow and gave House a sheepish grin.

House glared at him. "What? You think…. Wilson, I'm appalled. I came home to check on Hector." House laid it on as thick as he could. Wilson only chuckled and went back to staring at the TV. "What makes you think I was doing anything else?" House demanded, glancing at his know it all friend.

"Oh, your freshly made bed…and the hickey on your neck!" Wilson said, still staring at the TV. The straight face he was trying to keep lost to a fit of laughter as House's hand brushed the side of his neck. "Maybe you need to put some food out for her too when you stop in to 'take such good care of Hector' in the afternoon."


	9. Chapter 9

**Wednesday…Universally Known as Hump Day!!! **

A front moved in through the night and house woke up feeling it in every bone in his body. It woke him up early. He reached for the Vicodin on his nightstand and swallowed two, staring at the ceiling.

While he waited for the pain to subside it idly occurred to him that Hector might be feeling it too. He glanced at the alarm clock. It was only five in the morning. He tried to go back to sleep. He cussed himself for worrying about Hector. Half an hour later when it took two more Vicodin to put a dent in the pain he dragged himself out of bed shortly thereafter.

He glanced around the still dark apartment. No signs of life. He went to the bathroom and took one last look on the way back. He saw no movement and thought well enough. If Hector was still asleep there was no point in waking him. A few extra hours of rest would do him good…grooming day, House smiled to himself as he eased himself back into bed and tried to get comfortable. A few extra hours of rest would do him good as well…if he could manage it. House cussed himself for worrying about Hector a few more times and went back to sleep…about an hour later.

The smell of breakfast woke House later that morning. He sniffed and opened an eye to glance at the clock. Too early yet. But breakfast smelled pretty good. The coffee was enticing too. And House wondered of Wilson was so busy with domesticity that he may not have noticed Hector was having a bad pain day. House opened his eyes, cussed himself for worrying about Hector again, and started to drag his achy frame to the edge of the bed. A familiar thumping noise woke him.

House rolled over and was promptly greeted with a good face washing from Hector. "Hey! Knock it off. Come on!" House tried not to laugh as Hector insisted. "Hey!"

"What?" Wilson was in the doorway.

House didn't bother looking up. "Go get his meds and there should be a hot dog about one paw short in the fridge. Grab another paw." House said.

"Going to turn my dog into an addict?" Wilson sighed, not moving.

"I know how I felt when I woke up at five and I know how I feel now. You put him in here for a reason."

"He was blocking traffic in the kitchen." Wilson started to explain.

"Because he's in pain, you moron. Quit arguing and go get his meds." House snapped.

Wilson was back a few minutes later with House's list and some coffee for his friend. He watched as House stuck the pill in the hot dog and it disappeared into the vacuum. Hector wagged his tail slowly and lay back down. House took two more Vicodin, washed them down with some caffeine and lay back down as well, idly scratching Hector between the ears.

Wilson stood there sheepishly for a moment. "I never thought about the weather." He admitted.

"Too busy thinking about the morning Betty Crocker routine, moron." House teased.

"I can stop, idiot." Wilson replied though obviously amazed watching his two achy housemates get off to an equally slow start.

"And you can shut up, too. We'll be out in a bit. Go dust something or something." House snarked, dismissing his friend.

Hector's head was on the pillow beside House's. He stared unblinking at House.

Thanks, man. I needed that. You too, huh? Sucks.

He and House lay staring at one another and after a bit Hector's tail wagged with a little more enthusiasm. "Better?" House asked. He got the beginning of another face washing till he pulled the sheets over his head, trying not to laugh.

I was just saying thanks! Let's eat! Smells tasty! Coffee! Yeah, tasty coffee!

House pulled the sheets down so that only his eyes peered out over the edge at Hector. Hector's tongue was hanging out and his tail was wagging up to speed now.

"Looks like the 'Hector barometer's' about up to snuff." House said through the sheet. "Wish mine worked that well." House said, rolling over and dragging his achy frame to the edge of the bed.

Dude…try one of mine. Oh man. No wonder you carry that stick around. Sorry I ate the last one.

House hauled himself to his feet and hobbled to the bathroom. Hector half jumped, half slid off his side of the bed and trotted behind his crime partner. He sat in the bathroom quizzically watching House run some bath water before heading for the kitchen.

Wilson watched the invaders do their morning coffee routine. Wilson fed Hector as House got the milk for both their coffees. He scoped out breakfast and filled a plate with the majority of unclaimed food. House tossed Hector a strip of bacon and set breakfast on the table before wandering back to check the bath water.

When he sat down at the table Wilson was eyeing him suspiciously. "A shower's not going to cut it this morning?" He said raising an eyebrow.

House shook his head. "Sis Vicodin since around 5 when whatever this is woke me up. What's it doing outside?" House asked.

"Low pressure system. Clouds and wind." Wilson summed up as House nodded.

"Low pressure…hot bath." Was all House said, inhaling breakfast but Wilson noted House seemed a tad less mobile than usual. He noticed the same of Hector earlier and it occurred to him dogs didn't fake things. Wilson felt guilty.

"Is there anything you need? Anything I can get?" Wilson offered.

"To work. Just go. I need to soak." House said nothing more. The crease in his brow seemed a bit deeper than usual and there was no sign of the coffee raising any signs of life. Wilson went to work feeling guilty. Poor House. Poor Hector. It never occurred to him sudden weather changes could do this to a dog. And House had picked up on it from a dead sleep. Yes, Wilson felt guilty.

House tossed his dishes in the sink a short time later. Another cup of coffee was carried to the bathroom as Hector trotted happily behind him. "Watch out, pal. This is the danger zone." House cautioned without Wilson hovering for a change.

Wow. I guess. I'd hurt too. Man, what'd the vet do to your leg? Gees. I'm sorry I ate your cane Uncle House!

"What's the matter?" House asked as he watched Hector sit down in front of the tub and wait patiently for his playmate to loosen up a little. As House eased himself into the tub and into the hot water Hector tilted his head several times. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it looks bad." House reached out and scratched his scruffy shadow. "You looked rough this morning too."

Less than an hour and two Vicodin later House was doing much better. So was Hector. House's cell phone rang and he waited for Angie to pick up his scruffy houseguest. She promised to check back around lunchtime and House said he'd be looking forward to seeing her.

House was dealing with patients and ducklings and Cuddy all morning and when it was near noon he was happy to be taking a break in his easy chair. "Interrupting?" sounded from the office doorway. House opened his eyes to see Wilson looming.

"Always, but it's never stopped you before. What?"

Just wanted to apologize for this morning. It never occurred to me about the weather being that big an issue till I saw both of you wake up in the same condition." Wilson said.

"It isn't normally that big an issue till it's this big a weather system. I heard the weather report on the way in. Anything else?" House made a face. Wilson shook his head and House shooed him out of his sight. Ten minutes later he got a text message.

"Hector all handsome. What time?" House thought about it and decided to phone. He made excuses about the weather and it being a bad day; it would do more harm than good if he had to be out in it long at the park.

Angie said she'd noticed a big change in Hector after a hot bath and would walk Hector and Bozo together before she brought him home. House gave her a McFood order and said he pay her back when she got there. Good enough.

House carefully managed to sneak out of the hospital without Wilson on his tail and went home after dealing with patients and ducklings and Cuddy. He barely beat Angie there and when he opened the door he couldn't believe his eyes.

"Hector?" House stared wide-eyed at his crime partner.

Angie took the beginnings of a smile to be a good sign and she beamed with appreciation. "Like it? I think it's to much kinder when the can see." She set the fluffy but not scruffy fur ball down in the breezeway and Hector practically swaggered through the door.

Who da man? I Da Man! Check me out! Wow…so THIS is what the place looks like.

Hector strutted his stuff through the living room and plopped onto his bed, posing like a king on his throne.

"He's white!" Was all House could say at first. "And he has eyes!" House snarked as Angie cruised through the door with several bags of food in hand. "I made coffee." House idly said as he hobbled toward the kitchen with Angie on his heels. He paused to look at Hector.

The topknots looked a little silly to him but it would give him something to tease Wilson about later. "Like it?" Angie asked, starting to wonder as House stared.

"How did you get him to look…like that?"

"They have whitening shampoos; that and some conditioner and a few other things. It won't last. They always look like they've been in a hurricane after a few days but at least you got to see what a handsome boy he is. And does he know it too! You should have seen them in the tub together. I took pictures."

Hector was white; glow in the dark white with bluing for extra whiteness. He looked silky smooth and where the shaggy bangs were there was now a neat set of topknots with some sort of odd black baubles for decorations. He looked like he had an extra set of eyes on top of his head. House couldn't help but grin as they went into the kitchen.

Food? Tasty! You didn't even invite me…hey! Wait for me!

Angie had taken pictures, and uploaded and made copies. House made all sorts of comments about rubbing Wilson's nose in it later. His little boy had a hot date in a hot tub with a girl…bozo that she was. House still didn't know what to make of the name, but after he thought about it, he realized "Bozo" fit the entire breed to a tee. Maybe the owners too, he wondered, as he listened to Angie fuss and fawn over them.

Apparently Bozo was the center of her universe…next to college. Lunch was over soon enough and the talk got technical…classes and courses and professors to avoid. House knew how to cut to the chase on the boring stuff and got around to properly showing Angie his appreciation after she hinted she had some time to kill…And she was so grateful for all the pointers…and all of the attention.

Several hours later House tried sneaking back into PPTH. "Another lunch date?" He heard from behind him and winced at the sound of Wilson's voice as he caught up to House at the elevator. House stood tall for inspection as Wilson gazed at his neck. "Hmm…no sucker bites." Wilson teased as heads turned in the elevator.

"Shut up, moron."

"Put a muzzle on her, jerk!"

"You're jealous…idiot. Now shut up." House said, positively full of himself as everyone in the elevator listened to their exchange.

Wilson teased House all the way back to the office. House said nothing about Hector.

That night Wilson said he'd spring for pizza and beer. He was tired of cooking and it had been a long day. When he walked in the front door Hector ran up to him doing a little happy dance.

Dad! Dad! Look! I'm so cool! Check me out!

"What the…Hector? He's white!" Wilson could only stare in shock as House snagged the pizza and headed for the couch. He listened to the fussing and praises and general carrying on as he dug into the food. Good, House thought. Wilson was distracted. More pizza for House, he thought.

It wasn't long till he and Wilson were parked in front of the TV tossing pizza crusts on the floor. It didn't take long till Hector was white…except for pizza sauce all over his face; laser tag and the nightly walk later, Wednesday was over.

House drifted off to sleep in his bed with a smile on his face…and Hector crashed out next to him. It had been a good day…for both of them. Poor Wilson missed it all, House thought…He thought some more…. No, couldn't happen to a nicer guy!


	10. Chapter 10

**House's House of Cards**

Thursday was all about poker night. House woke well after Wilson but there was a note in front of the coffee pot reminding him it was poker night.

House read the note before tossing it in the wastebasket. He glanced in the direction of the dancing footsteps that had been on his heels since he hauled himself from his bed. "Poker? Hector like poker? A lot of guys playing cards and eating?" House teased as he poured coffee for both of them.

Eat? Food? Tasty! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Tasty!

House watched Hector do his little dance while waiting for the milk. It was obvious he'd been fed. There wasn't a crumb left in his bowl but the pizza sauce ring around his mouth had been replaced by one of gravy brown.

House nuked breakfast and made ready for work at his usual snail's pace. His cell phone rang when he was considering if it was still too early to go into work. House read the text message.

"Bozo's lonely."

House made a face. Which Bozo, House thought with a smile. He decided to try the direct approach and see if she scared easily. Maybe he could pass her along to Wilson later…she did a great job grooming Hector.

"Foursome around noon?" House typed and hit send.

"You're on." Fired back before House was in his car. He raised an eyebrow as he snapped the cell phone shut. Brave but needy; Wilson could use one of those. And she had the other bookend to go with…House thought it over. If Wilson started seeing her she might rob him of the odd weekend adventure with Hector! He did make an excellent "hunting" dog for House's species of "DEAR."

Lunch was more fun. House decided to hang on to that number after all. There were still two more to go and it was only Thursday! House wondered what day Wilson's ex was getting back. Surely she'd like a day or two to get settled in without a handful like Hector under foot. No reason he couldn't stay the weekend!

There were no telltale hickeys for Wilson to see at lunch. But he'd run into House that morning in the hall and noticed a different shirt now. "You went home." Wilson commented.

"I've been known to. I live there." House said, stuffing in some more food.

"You changed shirts."

House nodded. "Underwear too."

Wilson rolled his eyes. "Why is it you're always twice as impossible on poker night?"

"Getting in the proper frame of mind. You should try it sometime, Wilson. You don't know what you're missing." House grinned, thinking of a lot of other things his clueless friend should be trying as well.

Poker night meant pizza and lots of it. It also meant an amount of beer equal to the task of washing it down. Pizza was the meal part. There were also snacks. There were pretzels and chips and bean, sour cream, and chili and cheese dip; more flavors of Doritos than you could shake a stick at, and Scoops for getting even more dip. Chex mix and nachos were on the menu as well. These guys knew how to eat and they were doing their best to educate Hector in the fine art of junk food from the time they got there.

"Hey…you got a dog?"

House made a face and stared at dry cleaning guy. "I thought he was a short old hippie! No wonder he's been so quiet!" House snarked.

"Cute little guy."

"Thanks, he's mine." Wilson said, wandering in behind as dry cleaning guy stopped to pet Hector. He ripped open his pretzels and gave one to Hector.

"Yours?" House raised an eyebrow. "You've got visitation rights." House said, snagging a beer from Wilson's case and pointing toward the kitchen. "Better put those away before they get warm."

"I'll get right on that." Wilson said, starting to close the door as accountant guy wandered in behind. Him.

"Hey…you got a dog!" He said, falling in line behind the other two. All three of them and House watched as Hector saw the open door. Wilson dropped the beer on the floor as Hector ran past him.

"Grab him!" Wilson said as everyone stared at Hector as he made his way to freedom.

Wilson panicked and ran after him. Everyone's head turned to follow the procession as Hector bounced off of waiter guy who was just coming up to the door, and kept going.

"Hector!" Wilson yelled as he disappeared out the door behind his snow-white escape artist. House shook his head and grabbed the laser pointer off the piano and hobbled after his idiot friend.

"Hector?" One of the guys asked House on his way out to the street.

"Wilson's an idiot, remember?"

"Oh yeah…"

Everyone gathered on the sidewalk to watch Wilson lose the footrace.

House couldn't resist with a real audience this time. Hector was hot on the trail of the laser light and heading toward the door.

"Cool." One of the guys said.

"Even cooler when Wilson's out of breath." House said as he gave Hector a chance to run. He turned the light back up the sidewalk and ran Hector past Wilson as Wilson was crossing the street. Wilson shot House a dirty look as House ran Hector past him one last time on the way to the door. "Make way, guys. Here he comes." House grinned.

Everyone watched Hector turn the corner and disappear inside. There were manly nods and comments of "way to go" and several more votes of "cool" as they filed inside.

Wilson was the last one in and House closed the door. "Thanks." Wilson huffed.

House wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or actually grateful. He shrugged it off, tossing the pointer on the card table.

"Maybe you ought to get one of those." Dry cleaning guy advised Wilson.

"It's on my list." Wilson said, leaning against the sofa to catch his breath.

"Probably the only accessory he didn't come with." House snarked as he sat down. "Hey, Wilson, you look like you could use a beer. Why don't you get me one while you're out there?" House said, making a face as the group got situated for the evening's festivities.

The poker game was under way…

There is a God! It's raining food! It's all so tasty! What is all this stuff? It smells delicious! It tastes delicious! There's another one. It's tasty too. It's all so …tasty!

The guys laughed as they tossed snack after snack on the floor for Hector. "Look, it even dusts as it vacuums!" House snarked, tossing the odd pretzel and an occasional Dorito.

"House…remember what happened the last time." Wilson cautioned.

"Like he'll be the only one." House made a face. "Loosen up Wilson! Hey, and since you're getting up…" House waved his empty can at Wilson.

While Wilson was gone House snagged one of the unused ashtrays off the table and slipped it on the floor. He pointed and motioned for the guys to keep quiet. They got a kick out of watching House slip Hector some beer whenever Wilson wasn't paying attention.

This goes great with all this food! Tasty! Did someone say pizza? I know it goes with that! There's another pointy tasty! There's another curly tasty! Raining food…again! I'm going to need some more beer to wash all of this down! Hey, the bowl's already full…again! This is great. We ought to do this more often!

They had a ball feeding Hector. He was getting enough practice to start catching snacks before they even hit the floor. House was impressed. He didn't think the old boy had it in him. Soon enough House was aiming the laser pointer at a spot and then tossing food at the red dot. Then he started putting the red dot on the food the guys were throwing.

It's the read alien! He's after my food! Get off my pointy thing! Get off my curly thing! It's after the food!

In between hands the guys were howling as Hector continually ran his nose into the floor, the pretzels and everything else in between trying to keep the alien being from stealing his food. And while House was distracting them he was making a killing at the table.

A short break for pizza later, the first methane death cloud wafted above the table.

"Oh my God! Who died?" Waiter guy asked. The guys started looking at one another.

"What the…oh man. That's awful." Dry cleaning guy chimed in.

House, did you do that?" Accountant guy glared at him.

"Nope." House said. "It's the dog. It's saying thank you." House grinned as he had the majority of the winnings on the table in front of him.

"I thought that was a belch."

"It's a dog. And it's Wilson's. Stands to reason it talks out its …"

"House!" Wilson griped as the guys burst out laughing.

"Man! You could run a car off of that!" Waiter guy was impressed as another cloud announced itself, complete with sound affects.

"Okay, okay…you win. You got us all beat!" Dry cleaning guy said, waving his hand in front of his face.

"Nobody light a match." Accountant guy said, getting up from the table for some fresh air. "Somebody open a window."

"You're up." House said, not taking his eyes off his cards.

Several paint peeling, room clearing, eye watering blasts from the floor later, the guys decided to call it a night early. They'd been there several hours and weren't getting ahead. Broke or not, they swore to get their money back next time as they readied to leave.

"You win, House. Take the money and get an air purifier or something." One said.

"One of those ion ones…makes everything disappear." Waiter guy advised.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just visiting." House defended his little methane maker.

"So are we! He won. He's smoking us out!" Accountant guy said.

"Yeah…see you later, man." Waiter guy chimed in as they started getting up.

And of course…as they were saying good byes and heading out the door…Hector passed Wilson on the way out the door…again.

There were hoots and howls and cheers as the guys made a game of it. They herded and waved and bobbed and weaved at Hector as House stood on the sidewalk with the laser light and kept the little guy well clear of the traffic.

"House! He's going to get hit you moron!" Wilson pleaded.

"Shut up, idiot. How many grown men are standing in the street? I know what I'm doing." House said as he ran Hector in between two of the guys and they collided trying to catch him. "Hey, can we see that again in slow motion?" House snarked as Hector was finally starting to slow down. "Wilson is having a cow. Time to wrap it up for the night." House said as the guys broke up the party and Hector dashed inside after the red space alien. Wilson raced inside after his rabid animal and closed the inner door.

They laughed and said good night, spilling out of the street and into their cars. Every one of them said it was the most fun they'd had in ages. Waiter guy even offered to bring his dog next time if Hector wasn't there. "It's only a mutt but he likes laser light shows too. It'll keep you from having to vacuum after." He laughed, pulling away from the sidewalk.

House watched the vehicles disappear as he thought it over. Might be fun. But it wouldn't be quite the same. And no matter what they did for an encore, Hector would have done it first. House chuckled and wandered inside to see how his moron of a friend and his way cool pooch were doing.

Wilson was picking up the mess and acting like an overworked maid. House felt bad…for a second. But as he watched Hector park his shaggy white butt on his blue Berber fleece puff ball of a bed, House remembered there was safety in numbers. He propped himself in his usual spot on the couch and grabbed the remote, reaching down to scratch Hector for a bit while he channel surfed.

At some point in the wee hours of the morning House woke up with the remote still in his hand. Wilson was out cold on the couch, his lead leaning uncomfortably toward the back. House took in the sight and thought it would do him good; let him know how it felt to wake up in that much pain.

House hobbled off to bed. As he stripped down and eased his tired body under the blankets he felt a thump and watched Hector appear on the other side. He sat down beside House, tilting his head as an odd noise came from behind. House winced and pulled the blankets over his head. "I suppose I deserved that." He moaned, reaching from under the blankets for his Vicodin to help him get through a long smelly night. As he pulled the blankets down for a moment to swallow the pills Hector seized the moment. He leaned forward and started washing House's face. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, night, Hector."

You deserve that too, Uncle House. Kisses! Lots and lots of kisses! Great party, Uncle House. Tasty! You Da MAN!


	11. Chapter 11

**T. G. I. F. (We survived…Barely) **

House woke up in the wee ours of Friday morning cussing himself for drinking so much beer. He had to pee. He inched himself toward the edge of the bed after feeling around on the other side. Hector was still there. As if there was ever any doubt. Who else would be lying beside him that could snore like that? And the gas…House shook his head as he managed to get upright and hobble to the bathroom.

He pried his eyes open for a quick peek on the way back. Wilson hadn't moved. House grinned and evil grin on the way back to bed. Let's see how domestic "Domestic Boy" was feeling after sleeping like that all night! House eased himself back into bed and stretched out, hoping to find a comfortable spot. Instead he found a warm tongue waiting to give a few more kisses.

You okay Uncle House? You look kind of rough. It's okay. I still think you're cool!

House's hand covered his face. "No, Hector. Something died in there." House said, shooing the scruffy monster away from his mouth. House got the side of his face washed instead. "Okay, okay…I get the picture. Now go to sleep." House said, pulling the blanket over his head. They were comatose directly and no one moved till morning.

House woke to the sound of the hair dryer…sort of. He cussed Wilson under his breath and went back to sleep for a bit. A short time later the smell of coffee was the last straw. He lay in bed, eyes half open, staring at the ceiling and wanting Friday to go away. House glanced to his left. Hector was staring at him, unblinking, unmoving. House watched for a moment…yes, he was still breathing! "Looks like I wasn't the only one who had too much fun last night." House said, but not too loud. Aspirin…

I don't remember getting hit by anything when we were playing in the street. Why do I feel like I got tagged by an SUV?

His hangover was monstrous but he forced himself to roll to the edge of the bed and make an attempt at joining the living. House heard the thump of a semi-live body hitting the floor behind him as he hobbled to the bathroom.

Wait for me. Why is the room spinning? Oh my head!

No green jingle balls today. Hector lay down on the floor; all fours sprawled in different directions. House chuckled at the sight. "You look like I feel." He said before glancing in the mirror. His eyes widened and then he winced. "So do I." House wandered into the kitchen for some coffee to find Wilson readying to leave.

"You two look rough!" Wilson said, eyeing the walking dead and his shadow.

"Ruff in his case. You don't look much better. Must have been a bad night on the couch." House said, filling his cup and being generous with Hector's bowl.

Wilson rolled his eyes. "At least I'm ready for work!"

"I'm ready for work!" House snarked. "Work's not ready for me, that's all."

Wilson nodded, staring at House in his boxers and tee shirt. "The only thing it looks like you're ready for is your daily lunch date. Who is she?" Wilson teased.

"They." House grinned, perking up at the chance to brag a little. "A whole carload of college girls that think your dog is cute. I got a whole handful of phone numbers to help take him for a walk at lunch. I've been spacing them out. Want one?" House said, eyeing his friend. House knew the look.

Wilson poured another cup and sat back down at the table. "One…what's wrong with her?" He asked.

"She's an idiot, like you. Even has a dog like you." House snarked. "Dog's name is Bozo…I think she named her after mommy." House chuckled at the thought of Angie.

Wilson looked intrigued. "You're willing to share one?"

"I'll share all of them…when I'm done. I'll get you her number later…you can do lunch." House joked.

"Can I borrow my dog?" Wilson asked.

"No. I need him for contestant number three." House grinned, going for another cup. He paused to reconsider. "Hector will be free after lunch. You can borrow him then. You don't need to borrow him at all." House said, as the caffeinated brain cells started working. "Call her and tell her what a great job she did making Hector look like a sissy fifi dog. Tell her you want to thank her personally or something." House shrugged. "Gees Wilson, want me to go along and show you how to nail one on the first date?"

"I don't need any help in that department!" Wilson said in a huff.

House made a face and glanced at Hector. His tail was wagging. The rest of him was still immobile. "Daddy needs help, doesn't he, Hector?" House asked. Hector's tail wagged harder.

House and Hector did breakfast after Wilson had a phone number to stress himself out with at work all day. They ate in relative peace and quiet…until House's cell phone rang.

"Call me?"

House read the text message and called Angie back. "Hello…you can't? That's a shame." House said trying to sound convincing. "Melody? What a lovely name." House said, raising an eyebrow. An evil thought came to mind and he waited till Angie got done jabbering away. "I still have the other numbers. If I can get away for lunch you know how much I appreciate everything you girls are doing to help. Speaking of which…Hector's owner, Dr. Wilson, the head of the Oncology department was amazed at the job you did on his little boy…"

It was after lunch before Wilson could catch up with his evil friend. "House! You gave her my number!" Wilson said as he plopped down in the chair in front of House's desk.

House turned off his I pod. "And?"

"She called me!"

House made a face. "And?"

"What am I going to do?" Wilson fussed.

House put on his best mock thoughtful expression. "Walk your dog!"

"House! She's a college student."

"And she has friends. And they have friends." House leaned back in his chair preening.

"And you have another hickey! Angie?" Wilson glared at him.

House grinned. "Melody."

Wilson leaned back in his chair and stared at his friend in disbelief. "House, what are you doing?" Wilson shook his head in amazement.

"Waiting for you to take me to lunch! You're buying, remember?"

"House, you can't work your way through every female…I mean you can't keep doing…" Wilson stammered in frustration as House got up and headed for the door.

"Oh yes I can. Come on, time to feed me…" House said as Wilson followed him out the door. "I'll give you some lessons on the 'student body' and how to deal with."

That evening turned in to a double…or triple date of sorts. Wilson couldn't look like a complete idiot in front of his best friend, so he called after massive shaming and daring all through lunch.

House called Melody after Angie got roped in. Free pizza and beer for dinner! Wilson was treating everyone for being so understanding. Wilson winced as he listened but there was no backing out now.

Angie promised to bring Bozo over for a rematch.

All three girls showed up and spilled through the door together. Hector was in dog heaven from the moment he saw Bozo come trotting in the front door with her little pink topknots and matching pink collar and leash.

Woman! You came back! And you brought someone to keep Uncle House and Daddy busy while we…never mind! Come here! You look…tasty!

Hector and Bozo proved to be an inspiration before, during, and after dinner. "Oh look, she ran out of gas." House snarked.

"And he's pushing her to the pump!" Angie said with a wink and everyone burst into laughter.

Hey! We didn't laugh at you two! Get a life!

Wilson and Angie decided to take Hector and Bozo for a late stroll after wearing them down considerably with the laser pointers! The only thing funnier than watching one of them crash into walls and bounce off of furniture was watching two of them. They even crashed into one another. House made sure of it.

But Melody was obviously in the mood for a rematch with House as she was all but draping herself across the piano while he entertained her. Angie and Wilson wandered out with their matching shaggy beasts and disappeared for the remainder of the evening.

When Wilson finally got back he was minus Angie and Bozo and plus a few hickeys of his own. He noticed the bedroom door was closed and crashed on the couch in front of the TV with Hector for the night. He stretched out with his little boy and was out like a light with Hector beside him.

Wow Dad! I didn't know you had it in you! We need to hang out with Uncle House more often. And all this pizza and beer…and Bozo…TASTY!!!

Everyone fell asleep with a belly full of pizza and beer and a smile on their faces!


	12. Chapter 12

**Dog Day Afternoon**

House and Wilson had Saturday off, a rare occurrence. It was a blessing in disguise after two days in a row of late nights and way too much beer. There were no middle of the night potty breaks; no late night snack attacks. No one moved until well after 10 am.

House rolled over to find Melody long gone. This was a good thing. He was never sure of what to do with the odd sleepover…particularly when she wasn't a "keeper." There was no shaggy monster lying in wait for him. It felt good to have the entire bed to himself to get his bearings in.

Still he wondered about Wilson…and Hector. He didn't smell any coffee. He wondered if they'd come back last night. One way to find out as the morning nature call won over the urge to go back to sleep and House hauled his tired body out of bed. He decided for all the fun he'd been having it was time to take a step or two back. Too much of a good thing was catching up with him. All of these women…so young…so energetic; maybe it was a conspiracy and they were trying to kill him with kindness?

House peeked in the living room on the way to the bathroom. There was the leash hanging over the back of the couch. Man and dog had apparently found their way safely home. Home, House thought. Yes, it was home away from home for them…damn it anyhow!

The cold water ritual and the morning pee were enough of the usual sounds to stir Hector. House cringed as he heard the now familiar sounds of Hector padding into the bathroom. His shaggy friend stared up at him. House made a face. "You've got to be tired of watching this every morning. What?" House asked his curious voyeur.

Daddy's snoring kept me up all night! He's worse than you. I'm hungry! Feed me, Uncle House! I worked up an appetite last night. Where's the coffee? Where's my morning can of food? Get Daddy up so he can take care of us.

Hector sat down and wagged his tail at the same time House sat down on the throne to take care of further business. Hector sat there for a bit but wandered off. He was back soon enough with another jingle ball.

House had to laugh. "Nope, sorry. Definitely don't need any blue ones this week. We took care of that for a while." House tossed the ball out the door. It returned with Hector attached. Several more tosses and House had an idea.

When he was heading back to bed, House tossed the ball over the couch and hurried to make himself scarce as he heard signs of life from Wilson. House was back in bed looking as innocent as possible as he heard Wilson shuffle to the bathroom.

Then he heard Wilson stop in front of the bedroom door on the way back. "I know you were up." Wilson said. House didn't move, trying to look convincing. "House, the sink's wet and the bathroom smells like something died in there. By the way, good morning, you idiot."

House still didn't move. Then the blue jingle ball hit him in the head. He heard Wilson snickering all the way to the kitchen when he caught House off guard. He swore under his breath and pulled the blankets over his head. Busted again.

He tried to go back to sleep but the smell of coffee followed by the aroma of bacon and eggs were too much. "You really know how to torture somebody." House groused as he stumbled to the kitchen and snagged a coffee cup. "And after I take all the trouble to get you laid…properly…moron." House continued to grumble as he poured coffee in his cup and Hector's bowl.

"I learned from the best…jerk" Wilson snickered, finishing up breakfast by starting on the toast. He dumped a can of dog food in the bowl next to Hector's coffee and everyone settled in to eat.

Wilson thought to snag the morning paper as House was getting dressed. He opened the front door and Hector almost passed him on the way out the door. "Oh no, Houdini." Wilson grabbed his escape artist by the tail and dragged Hector back over the threshold as all fours scrambled to break free. "I'm on to you…finally." Wilson said. He grabbed the paper, reached for the doorknob and Hector broke free…and passed him on the way out the door anyhow.

"Oops." Wilson heard from behind him as he yelled at Hector. Wilson ran after him and House thought to grab the laser pointer from its now permanent home on top of the piano. He grabbed his cane and hobbled out the door after them. "You're on to him and he's miles ahead of you." House grumbled parking himself strategically and flashing the red "alien life form" in front of Hector. "Here, stupid." House chuckled to himself as he watched Hector come tearing up the sidewalk. He followed the red dot in the front door. "Good stupid." House grinned. Wilson wasn't far behind and followed Hector in the door. "Good stupid, junior." House said as Wilson passed him.

"Moron." Wilson huffed from inside as House turned and hobbled in behind them.

There was a phone call after noon. Wilson's ex was going to be late getting back and could House possibly keep Hector one last night? House coached Wilson from the sofa in the fine art of "more is better" as he listened. An extra twenty bucks and they'd have to talk about these other seminars she was going on about. It had been terrible! Hector getting out…Hector insisting he sleep on the bed every night…Hector torturing House all week long with his methane issues.

House and Wilson went to the park later in the afternoon to celebrate. Oddly enough the girls were there. It wasn't a study day. They were hanging out and playing Frisbee with Bozo. A few minutes of watching to get the basics down and House convinced Wilson to take the leash off Hector. Wilson fussed but House won.

Dad, come on! Turn me loose! I want to chase the UFO. I want to chase the red alien life form! Come on Dad! Uncle House! Do something! Say something!

"His woman's here…we're here. Let him run now and maybe he'll quit trying to take you for a walk every time you open the front door! Whiner!" Wilson relented and Hector was free to run in unison with his shaggy girlfriend! What a pair they were, tearing through the park side by side but never straying far from the group.

House didn't even mind as Wilson got a few phone numbers of his own to keep handy. It might take some of the strain off him House thought as he smiled at his embarrassed friend. It was hard work…satisfying the needs of the student body all by himself!

Hector and Bozo were inexhaustible chasing after the blue UFO and it's red alien counterpart. House had thought to bring the laser pointer just in case and it was put to good use keeping both shaggy beasts busy for hours. Food became a topic of discussion and one of the girls was happy to make a short trip to the nearest fast food eatery. Hector and Bozo each got a burger of their own…Angie saw to it.

Tasty burgers! Finally! We were working up an appetite saving you from the aliens!

Stuffed and exhausted, House and Wilson were on the couch some hours later in front of the TV. Hector was chasing the laser light as monster trucks entertained the couch potatoes. "What should we do for supper?" House asked a short time later.

Wilson turned to stare at his friend. "You're hungry already?"

"Always." House said without hesitation. "You have no idea how difficult it's been keeping the two of you entertained all week. I'm starving." House made a pleading face at Wilson. "Feed me, Seymour!" House said, batting his eyes at Wilson as Wilson burst into laughter.

They decided on Chinese…tons of it, and they ate and snacked most of the evening until everyone fell asleep on the couch. Hector was stretched out to his full length between House and Wilson, exhausted and stuffed.

House and Wilson each had a hand resting on Hector until House woke some hours later. He was stiff and achy and hobbled off to bed with Hector on his heels. Hector seemed to know it was the last night for a while. He snuggled up right beside House and House didn't complain.

Good night Uncle House! I had fun this week…we need to do this more often! I'll talk to Dad about it. All this junk food and the alien life form too? Tasty!

The End!


End file.
